Losing your authenticity

We all have come across or been part of stories that we’re probably not the proudest as to how we acted at that time and by the time you realized its too late for anything to happen. So a while back late fall last year I had met someone who was wonderful, different, genuine, respectful and most importantly kind off of a dating app that I use for dating. It was also the time that I was in a phase of swipe culture, not wanting to settle for anything and of course lets not forget the superficial reasons we’re part of these apps. It started with me being very flaky and always coming up with reasons not to meet when we made plans. I was also on a busy part of my rotations at that time too which I used as a reason as my hours were atrocious to have a dating life and to be very honest the day I got off I did not want to do anything but watch Netflix, drink some vino and sleep. It was during this time I met one of the nicest guys I would ever meet off a dating app.

I know he initially was into me and I was into him a little as I think to me we didn’t seem to have enough chemistry. For me I always know in the first two dates if I will eventually end up having that chemistry with this person or not. I didn’t have that with him so I kept being that person who would make plans with him and then at the end would cancel them. During that same time, I ended up talking to one of my guys I had dated previously who was someone I always thought had the potential to be the one but he was not the most dependable and his feelings were always flip flopping. So I had to let this guy know that listen I can’t go out on dates when I have these unresolved feelings with this guy so I suggested we be friends. So eventually obviously as you guessed that did not work out and in couple of weeks I ended up messaging this nice guy back explaining him exactly what had gone through and if wanted to give this a second shot. So that’s how we went on a second date and had an amazing time but again I think the chemistry was missing. One of my friends at that time had told me that chemistry comes with time and sometimes it needs that so give it a time but don’t give up on someone who can actually end up becoming something important.

So we kept in touch but then again I was on busy rotations and he was traveling for work plus vacationing so then we didn’t speak for sometime. He was always in the back of my mind as I felt I had not given him a fair chance by being flaky and just being that girl who kept looking for something more. So I reached out again very recently and we connected again where I ended up hanging out with him. This time it was different and maybe I was in a different mindset too. I saw him loosen up a little and I asked him to play his guitar for me which he did very well plus got me a case of beer that he wanted me to try which was endearing. I was finally getting that chemistry from him that I felt we were missing initially and long story short I felt it. But since we had this history and then he told me that right now he is not ready to date but wants to know more about me or be friends at the moment. I was back to square one and that f**king hurt.

To be honest I deserved this with the way I had been with him and who could trust someone this flaky, flip-flopper when it came to their feelings and someone who wasn’t being genuine at all as that’s what I proclaimed to be my trademark. Its in some ways good to get the taste of your own bitter medicine that you keep giving to others and it absolutely hurt me as in some ways I had really started liking him for the genuineness he had always offered. I always used to tell people that I’m looking for something long term and warned my girl friends about men who acted the way I did with this guy. I wish I could back up and put some sense in my head in order to have judged someone completely different. I wish I had acted nicer and importantly more genuine the way I’ve always been. I take 100% responsibility of acting the way I’d and I’ve nothing but respect for him to look out for himself as I would have totally done that too. This is a great lesson to learn as it teaches you that you ain’t that perfect the way you’ve idolized yourself in your head, you make mistakes that can make people feel shitty and need to own up to your mistakes or god will find a way for you to learn from them in a difficult way.

To him I’ll say that I’ve nothing but absolute respect and admiration for you. You deserve to find that connection with someone you feel strongest with and don’t let your past experiences with anyone tell you otherwise or stop you from getting what you truly deserve.

For me I’ll take this lesson to heart and work on being more authentic as in this world of dating I’ve realized I was becoming a different person with whom I didn’t align at all. This lesson will keep me grounded and has made me realize how rare it is to find someone genuine that you could connect with plus how easy it is to lose their trust too.

But I still won’t stop at finding what I deserve and need as we all want to feel loved or connected to someone who gets us the way we want that one person to get us.